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I can’t even begin to tell you how painful it is for me to watch the gymnast girls in the Olympics because I know how bad their eating disorder is…It is way out of wack, big time.  I have heard from many former gymnasts how severe the disorder is amongst them all, especially bulimia.  They have to come in at a certain weight to begin with or their coaches won’t let them compete, and then they have to go through the rigors of gymnastics with no nutrition to support the physical exertion.  It is amazing to me that they have the strength.  I have looked at their bodies in past years with envy because I know to some extent what it takes to get it there. 

I would assume that some male gymnist have an eating disorder too but it looks like to me those guys have to eat to maintain, I hope so.  In my younger years I so wanted to be a gymnist.  I loved the idea of flying around on bars, doing flips, controlling my body to that extent in every which way.  If nothing else would make me bulimic, it would be the leotards they have to wear because it shows every rimple and dimple in the body.  I would definitely be starving to look good in that.

I have read and understand that the body of a gymnist has a prolonged adolescence because the extreme strain does not allow the body to mature normally.  Most young gymnasts do not get their periods, do not develop breasts because their body is in so much trauma.  I remember back in the height of my eating disorder during college that I stopped getting my period.  I really didn’t know why and I think I was more devastated that my hair was falling out from malnutrition. 

I couldn’t believe how thin the Chinese diver was, it was really scary. All I have to say is that I hope the Chinese installed pipes in housing for the athletes that are resistant to stomach acid because they are going to get a real workout over these games.  Why this sport is still popular really beats me.  Why parents let their daughters get involved knowing the percentage rate of eating disorders baffles me.  The pressure is intense, the life is intense for such young minds and bodies.  The downside is so apparent…but no one wants to admit it.

One of the mantras I live by is to live one day at a time.  I try not to get into the future as it is loaded with expectations, try not to live in the past because it brings up many instances that are gone and I can do nothing about, so I try to live in the present.  Doing pretty good at it too.  I can become victim of my own thinking and at times it is not pretty.  Don’t know how all that started to eek into my life over the years, but it did.  I have a pretty good idea but like I said, that was then, can’t do anything about then, just about now. 

I find that the things that really help me stay in the present and to be excited about being alive is to live my passion.  My passions have certainly changed over the years.  When I was in my 20’s, it was about winning an academy award by the time I was thirty!  That wasn’t really a passion, I was trying to make a big statement, trying to prove something to the world.  I honestly believe now that that kind of motivation is doomed.  I think it is doomed because it is loaded with the wrong intention.  That kind of motivation does not take into consideration the well being of anyone or anything except an injured ego…hence the eating disorder.  I have to have something big enough to hide behind.    I have to have something big enough to hide my addiction behind.  Not a great foundation for personal health, wealth or wellbeing.

Over the last several years since becoming a member of a 12 Step Program, I feel that a spark has been re-ignited, that I am now hearing my passion and speaking it.  My intentions are now concerned with truly living my passion out of joy which is such a different platform for me.  Today I love my life.  Today I am grateful for where I have come from and the experiences I have gone through to get me here. 

I just saw in the news where the 700 lb man in Mexico was forklifted out of his home into a flatbed truck for a day trip to the beach.  He apparently has lost 550 pounds over the last couple of years at one time weighing over a thousand pounds.  I wonder how much pain he is in physically with all of that extra weight and how much pain he is in emotionally as well.

I thank god everyday that my eating disorder did not take that form.  By the grace of God go I….It is such a fine line to cross when dealing with such a compulsion.  Never mind that, eatIng the amount of food that must be consumed to sustain an eating disorder is very expensive.  I would imagine I have spent thousands of dollars on food over past years literally wasted on my disease.    It would be hard to afford an eating disorder in this economy.  And the catch 22 of it is that with the perilous state of the economy these days, the stress of it alone would make me want to binge my brains out. 

I wonder what happens to people who can’t afford to have any eating disorder, how do they cope?  What do they use to fill the hole if they can’t go out and buy $20 worth of food for a good binge?  My friend from home now lives in the northeast and she told me that her daughter is in college with an eating disorder.  It is costing them a fortune because their daughter has an ATM/Debit card that she uses to fill the hole.  Kinda like filling up your gas tank with you ATM card.  My friend can literally track the kind of day and or week her daughter is having by following the debits on the card whereas in my day, it was all done in cash, $10 bucks here for pizza and hoagies, $5 bucks there for Tastycakes, a few bucks at McDonalds for fries, chocolate shake and an apple turnover or two.  You could hide the binge a lot easier.  Because her eating disorder has left a paper trail of receipts, they  have sought help for their daughter whereas my family didn’t know so I had to deal with it myself later on.   I think I probably ate my receipts to hide the evidence.

I would have loved to have told my parents that I had a problem but I couldn’t.  I remember I was at another friends house and her 19 year old daughter was practicing bulimia.  I went to use her bathroom and all the tell-tale signs were on the rim of the toilet bowl.  I went to her daughter and asked her if she had an eating disorder.  She admitted that she did.  I gave her an option to tell her mom or I would because she needed help.  I came back the next day and they both thanked me for talking to her and asked me for a recommendation for a therapist.  One way or another, an eating disorder can cost you a lot either for food, for therapy, loss of self-esteem and perhaps your life.  Trust me, I know.

I HAVE LEARNED

 I have learned that anger paralyzes life,

That love is a state of grace,

Jealousy is a waste of time.

Bitter truth is the cause of great pain,

And yet truth is the healer and key to freedom.

I have learned that family extends beyond namesake,

Friends give you that naked eye,

Lovers take you naked,

Good health is the key to life,

And God is in everyone of us.

Solitude doesn’t have to be a nasty word,

Independence doesn’t mean you are out of control,

I have learned that time is not forever,

A moment is right here and now,

Letting go of hate generates new life.

It is not healthy to hold feelings inside, 

The love embedded in forgiveness creates ultimate peace.

I have learned that money is not everything,

But it is better than having none.

I have learned not to talk from both sides of my mouth

Because words will ultimately become tangled and cause a terrible mess.

Honesty is not a pastime.

I have learned that my body and mind share the same space,

I ride endless miles on my stationary bike and get nowhere,

I drive hundreds of miles a week and wind up in the same place,

I lift hundreds of pounds a week in the gym,

But can’t seem to get the weight off my back.

With all that I have learned,

Sometimes I don’t feel too smart.

I am a middle-aged single professional woman,

No one’s mother and no one’s wife.

Finally after 46 years of living,

I have learned that the real key to success,

Is making love a priority in one’s life.

With all that I have learned

I dye my hair to hide the wisdom of my years,

I buy way too many shoes,

Drink way too many  Starbucks,

And haven’t been kissed goodnight nearly enough.

shash

I heard from my sister a couple of days ago that my aunt in Chicago had passed away in July.  One of my cousin’s had called my sister to let her know that her mother had died after being in a coma for 7 weeks.  An unexpected illness, an unexpected death.  Four people attended her funeral.

My aunt and my father had not spoken in almost 30 years.  They had a long-distance feud and neither one of them wanted to speak to each other.  My sister, myself and my mother had tried to call my aunt several times when in Chicago and just placing calls over the years to check in but never a response. Even though she and my father had a feud, we felt it was between them and not us.  

 My sister had given me my cousin’s phone number and I called her right after I hung up.  I had not spoken to my cousin in 30 years…the last time I saw her she could have been no older than 10 and now we for the first time ever had spoken to each other as adult women.  Our conversation was very lovely and I was very grateful for that. It seems as though the feud was finally over, and it had taken a death to make it possible.

Through this example, I get to see where my life was heading if I had not sought therapy and 12 Steps.  It isn’t just an eating disorder, it’s a life disorder.  I just like my aunt and my father, had to be right.  If you did not agree with me, I would cut you out of my life.  I would have all these unresolved feelings, angers and resentments that would make me want to isolate and eventually flow into the eating disorder.  I had all these angry feelings and I learned to stuff them with food.  I never learned proper communication skills that would help me “speak to” someone, not “speak at them”.  I never learned how to speak to myself. I never learned to feed my soul by honoring mine and others feelings.   I was right and you were wrong.  If I was not right, then I must be dumb or have made a mistake and  I would never be seen in that position.  I was right and that’s how it was going to be.  I didn’t understand that communication between two people requires a desire to “learn” something about them or myself.  Learning from good solid communication is a good thing.  Imagine that.  So I would run off and isolate, being in my “rightness” and hence my “aloneness”.  Fearful that you would find out that I was scared, fearful that you would find out that I didn’t know all the anwers.

Today I am grateful to know that I don’t know or have all the answers, that I am still teachable.  Instead of fear I find myself in humility which is such a sweet, gentle place these days.  My humility has been in knowing that I cannot remain in isolation with secrets and anger. My humility has grown knowing that others can be trusted and I thrive in the company of others, that walls I built so long ago can become boundaries instead.  My humility has let me know that I can finally trust me.  That no matter what you do or what you think is really none of my business.  I didn’t know that before.  I don’t have to control you, I don’t have to control the world. I don’t have to hate but I can accept you and what you think because I have a sense of self. I am not threatened by your being.  I have learned how to continually fill that hole with self love instead of digging it deeper with fear and hate. I can live and kind and gentle existence without hurting myself anymore.  Eventually, I will leave this earth all by myself and until that time, I don’t want to die before my time in my self-righteous hole. 

Today is the opening of the Olympic Games.  Today holds the birthdays of two friends of mine as well.  I love these kinds of dates….we never will see 08-08-08 again.  Similar to the fact that I was born in 1954 and that I am 54 years old.  That will never happen again for me.  These are special moments and times that cannot ever be replayed again.  When I think of days an moments that cannot be replayed again, I am both grateful and sad.

There are many moments and times in my life that I wish could be done-over…you know, have a do-over of my teens, 20’s, 30’s, 40’s.  Who was I without the pain of having an eating disorder?  I can think of my 20’s, definitely the most rampant years of the disease.  I know that the 20’s should be time for opening up, for self-exploration, but for me I was in hiding.  I looked good on the outside, but on the inside I was vacant and hollow with “the hole”.  Thirties were tough, that’s when my own Tieneman Square went into complete revolt against my lifelong inner council controlling my life denying basic human rights and wanting to kill me.  That’s when I knew I had to stand up against this eating disorder or eventually die from it.

I am now looking at pictures of the opening ceremonies of the Beijing games as they come across the internet.  There are so many beautiful colors, so much ceremony, so much history and yet there is so much misery.  That’s what I was like, “lookin’ good on the outside” but dying on the inside. To look at it from the outside, life seems to be good, except for the smog.  Knowing the turmoil within that country is in direct opposition to basic rights of individual life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Just like me.

I wonder if there are Chinese women who are anorexic and bulimic.  They have got to be with all that control. I have never heard of the disease in the Chinese culture.  I wonder what form the eating disorder takes in that country…  What is a good binge food over there is…do they have ice cream and cake, pancakes, bread, chocolate, graham crackers and pizza to gorge on?  Or is it rice and wontons, eggrolls, egg-foo-young, chicken fried rice which I could really get into, or the little fried noodles.  Yeah, that would be great, I could see myself being able to have a great time over there in China if I was at the Olympics right now and still practiced my eating disorder…..no really. 

So instead of letting the games begin, in the world picture and on an individual level, I  am grateful that I have let my own little games end.  I couldn’t pretend everything was perfect any longer.  Thank God. Thank Buddha.

I am sitting at the computer trying to figure out how to load a theme up onto the blog page….I can’t figure it out and I hate that!  I used to pride myself on being a technical person.  I could wire my stereo, hook up speakers,my VCR, change light switches, all kinda good things like that.  But the tech side of computers and blogs, just want to make me want to eat…..and I did just that….but not bad.  I had 3 baby Trader Joe’s quiches, total of 170 calories and that didn’t do it so I made a bowl of oatmeal…I needed that warm cushy feeling.   I feel that when I get stressed, I want to eat.  I get all frustrated and feel the hole and I have to be very careful not to go for a ride to IHOP for a stack.  I haven’t done that in years.  Thank god.

Went to the gym today to take a break from the computer during lunch.  Of course I could not help weighing myself.  The scale is right at the door and in front of the check-in counter.I was at 111.4 pounds fully clothed and having just eaten lunch, a lite lunch.  I wasn’t really happy with that weight, but it isn’t all that bad either.  I would weigh myself everyday I go to the gym but there is this one guy at the front desk who always says to me, “What are you weighing yourself for, nothing has changed”….Little does he know, I could have gained or lost an ounce from yesterday.  Thank God I know that he watches me on the scale because I will not get on the scale more than once a week if he is there.  I am glad that he is there everyday because that keeps the scale obsessive thing down to a minimum.

Again, careful and daily moderation.  I am in a 12 Step program and I sponsor several people who have food issues.  One of my folks called today to confess that she had sugar last night, sugar, the deadly trigger.  When times get tough, let’s go for sugar or flour, and fat….that’s the good stuff.  But once I start there is no stoppin’ and I know that.  I have been there and done that. 

It’s amazing, everything I do always comes back to food.  It’s always got a food hitch to it. If I’m feeling good it’s like let’s go get something to eat to celebrate.  If I’m not doing too great, its let’s go get something to eat.  The cycle…..

Back to work to see if I can get this thing loaded into the computer…..

 Hello and welcome to the Anorexic Bulimic Survival Guide.  The Survival Guide is a tool to help recovering anorexics and bulimics maintain a consciousness necessary to cope with these eating disorders.  The good news is that you can recover, I can personally assure you of this. It takes a great deal of self exploration, humility, honesty,desire  and courage to learn how to love yourself never so that your body will no longer be the target of self-abuse ever again.

My name is Shash and I am a recovering anorexic/bulimic.  I have 19 years now of abstinence from being a practicing bulimic.   I finally admitted my secret at age 32 to a therapist, I am now 54.  I started when I was 11 years old.   I have found that this eating disorder, disease, addiction, whatever you want to call it is one of the most difficult addictions of any of the addictions for an individual to overcome.     Alcholics can stop drinking, put down the bottle and not die, a grass smoker can put down their joint and not die, but how do you not eat?  You can’t.  To eat or not eat is not the question.  If you don’t eat, you die. Pretty simple. 

I hope you find something in here that you can identify with, something to help you along in your journey.  My goal is to share some “food for thought”.  For me I have come to understand that the reason that I binge is because there is some unexpressed feeling, need, desire and thought that  I don’t want to acknowledge so I shove them down with food.  The recovery in this eating disorder is learning to eat in a way that healthfully nurtures yourself.   That has been my goal over the past 19 years.  How to eat in a way that feeds not only my body, but my emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physcial being.  It puts a whole new spin and perspective on how eating can effect my entire person.

Every day I get up I face the challenge to stay in abstience.  I wish the desire to binge would just go away, but I don’t think it ever will, for me.  I want to say for me because I do believe that the degree of healing depends upon the depth of work I have done.  Whenever I get the urge to binge.